Love is….

Love is… Looking at them, looking deeply into their eyes, seeing the sparkle… Feeling that jolt of electricity racing through your body… Your heart pounding in your chest… Feeling the tingle of excitement and anticipation as you move towards them…

Love is… That first touch of their skin on yours…Fingers in their hair…Running down their arms…Touching finger to finger and locking hands together….

Love is… A slamming of the door….Raised voices…Angry voices…The screech of tires of a car leaving….

Love is… Seeing them for the first time… The laugh lines on their face… The twinkle in their eyes… Hearing the sound of their laughter… Seeing your future right then and now… Knowing that this person will change you… Has changed you… Forever.

Love is… Not being able to call them back to you… To say you are sorry… To take it all back… The accident… So swift… So sudden… So utterly, terrifyingly brutal…

Love is… Holding them in your arms… Feeling their body against yours… Their body heat mingling…Their sweat…Tasting them…Tongues in each other’s mouths… Their passion… Their heat…The orgasm…

Love is… The swift finality… The looking at pictures of the past… Knowing you can never get it back… The removing of personal belongings… The cleaning out… The cleaning up…

Love is… Your heart being filled with joy… And light… A sense of completion…

Love is… Sharing your lives together… Growing old… Together…

Love is… All of the laughter… All of the tears… All of the joy… All of the pain…

Love is… The complete loss… The shattering of your heart into a thousand pieces… When they leave you for another… When they wither from a crippling disease… And die in your arms…

Love is… The funeral… The grave… The absolute loss…

Love is… The hugs… Those magical embraces… That stop time… Your arm around their waist… A slap on the ass…

Love is… Their head on your shoulder while watching a storm… Hearing their sigh of contentment… Their feet against your side while curled up on the couch while reading a book…

Love is… Washing each other’s backs in the shower… Combing their hair…

Love is… Kissing them before leaving for work… Kissing them when you get home from work…

Love is… Cooking food for each other… Drinking a glass of wine… Together… Sharing a dessert…

Love is… Telling them you love them… Hearing them say, “I love you…”

Love is… The slamming of the Door.

 

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When you’re done, you’re done.

It’s Still Hard To Accept How Effortlessly You Walked Away

I find it interesting to see a post from a woman who was blown away by her significant other walking away, and effortlessly. From a lot of stuff on the manosphere, it seems that it is mostly men that are the one’s that have the difficulty in getting over the relationship when it ends. Women can too apparently.

When I read that blog post, it was like my ex-wife wrote it. She too, had a real rough time getting over it. Still hasn’t as far as I know. I don’t know because I don’t talk to her anymore. I tried being “friends” with her, but I couldn’t put up with her games and her bullshit, so I removed all contact from her. Changed phone numbers, deleted e-mails, blocked on social media, you name it. Even prepared myself for a possible restraining order if necessary. One of the last things I said to her was, “You have nothing new to say, and I have nothing more to say.” And that was that for me.

I’m in a somewhat interesting position at the moment. I am friends with two people on social media who have just gone through a break up. The guy decided he didn’t want to be with her anymore. Earlier last year, he had proposed to her, and they were engaged. Now they are done, they both moved out, sold the house, and he has moved on. I have to back up for a second though. I found out about their impending break up through her at a surprise birthday party for a mutual friend of ours. I ran into her on the way to the restroom and we chatted briefly for a moment, since we hadn’t seen each other in a few years, and that’s when she told me that their relationship was ending. Funny thing though, is that they both came to the birthday party together and acted like nothing was different and that nothing was going on. Now I understand this part a little bit. I know as a man, that my personal business is no one else’s business. I too, would want to behave civilly in front of others. It’s none of their business what’s going on in my world. I also wouldn’t want to make my affairs become the center of attention when it’s a friend of mine’s special occasion. It’s not about me, it’s their day.

The female friend was shocked to say the least. One thing that she said to me at the time was, “I can’t believe he is giving up THIS.” She then gestured to her body. Now, mind you, she is in really good shape. I mean REALLY good. She takes really good care of herself, and she could easily pass for someone much younger than she is. If I had to guess, I would put her in her early forties, but she could easily pass for someone a decade younger.

Honestly, I have no idea why they broke up. My male friend has never brought it up to me. I have never asked because it’s none of my business. He’s just moved on and seems real content and happy with his life. She is still scratching her head and wondering what the fuck happened. One thing I have learned though, is this:

“Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a guy who is tired of banging her.” I wish I could find where this quote actually originated from and who actually said it because I want to give credit where credit is due. It’s the truth. I heard this quote years ago, and it’s true for me. I’m sure that both of my friends have a part to play in the dissolution of their relationship, there are no innocent victims here, but just because she is hot and takes care of herself doesn’t mean that he didn’t get sick of her and her shit.

I can relate to my male friend on one thing though. When you are done, you are DONE. To quote Motley Crue: “Girl, don’t go away mad, just go away.” He doesn’t talk shit about her, he’s just done. Just like me and my ex-wife. She’s a great person in her own right, and I truly want for her to find happiness. It just won’t be with me.

Sometimes when you are done, you are done.

I’m not shocked, outraged, or surprised.

With the current events of our time, is it really surprising what is unfolding? The left and the right going at it is not surprising in the least to me. You kick a dog long enough, that dog is going to bite you. You label someone as something else, you create a division with that label. It’s Us vs. Them. I even mentioned this back in December.

Both sides are wrong. Both sides are of the same coin. Change the hats, the shirts, the labels, and you can’t tell them apart.

I’m sitting here watching it all unfold and I’m a little surprised that others are shocked and outraged. Really? You honestly didn’t see this coming? Talk about burying your head in the sand. This has been a long time coming, the only real surprise for me is that it took this long to actually show up.

It’s only going to get worse from here kids. You’ve just witnessed the beginning. You reap what you sow. You’ve been warned.

The only question for me is, “When does it stop?”

You tear down one monument, statue, etc., in the name of whatever ideology you subscribe to, where does it go from there? Where does it stop? What is ok to destroy and what is not ok to destroy? Are books next? Videos? Movies? Buildings? Established ways of living? People themselves?

I’m re-writing a quote that came from WWII. You know the quote, and if you don’t look it up, it’s easy to find.

“First they came for the Nazi’s and I said nothing, because I wasn’t a Nazi. Then they came for the Communist’s, and I said nothing because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Conservative’s and again I said nothing because I wasn’t a Conservative. Then they came for the Liberal’s. And again I said nothing because I wasn’t a Liberal. Then they came for me. And no one spoke out because there was no one left to speak for me.”

Words to heed. You’ve all been warned.

Karma is a Narcotic.

I mentioned in my last post that I read Tarot cards professionally (i.e., I get paid to do it). One of the recurring things that I notice about the majority of the people who come in to see me, is that they have a belief in karma. Let’s define karma for a moment. Karma is the force created by a person’s actions that is believed in Hinduism and Buddhism to determine what that person’s next life will be like. It is also defined as the force created by a person’s actions that some people believe causes good or bad things to happen to that person. This is according to Webster. What karma really is, is a narcotic. It’s a way to avoid feelings of powerlessness and to bring a sense of order into a chaotic world.

Shit happens. Lost your job? Must have been payback for something in a past life or something that you deserved because of some action you did in this life (which is possible). Can’t do anything about it? No problem, karma has you covered. “He’ll get his. Karma is a bitch.” Smoke that narcotic and now go back to sleep. Karma is a way to avoid responsibility for your choices and actions. It’s karma after all. It’s fate. Can’t do shit about it.

Bullshit. Make better choices. Own up to your actions or inaction’s. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Take charge of your life instead of playing the victim card. Wait, that’s hard. Playing the victim card is much easier, so choose that.

Do I believe in karma? Nope. Good things happen to good people, bad things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people, and good things happen to bad people. That’s life. Sometimes it sucks, but there it is.

There is no karma, no fate but what you make for yourself. (Guess the movie quote.) There is no god, or if there is, god is indifferent to who you are and what you do. If there is a god, he or she gave up on you and me way before we ever came about. We are the toys on the top shelf when the toddler grows up and moves on to bigger and better things.

There is the universe that we are all a part of. Guess what? It doesn’t care either. It’s totally indifferent too. Indifferent at best. Possibly malevolent, but that’s for another post for another time.

Since there is no god, no fate, no karma, and the universe could give a fuck less about you, why not become your own god and create your reality as you would like it to be? First you have to give up the superstitions that hold you back. There is no past lives to account for, no future one’s coming, just this one life. Right now. Make the most of it. Drop the guilt, drop the helplessness, drop the pretty lies. Own your shit and move on. Ever forward!

A Quote from The Circus of Dr. Lao

“Tomorrow will be like today, and the day after tomorrow will be like day before yesterday,” said Apollonius. “I see your remaining days each as quiet, tedious collections of hours. You will not travel anywhere. You will think no new thoughts. You will experience no new passions. Older you will become but not wiser. Stiffer but not more dignified. Childless you are, and childless you shall remain. Of that suppleness you once commanded in your youth, of that strange simplicity which once attracted a few men to you, neither endures, nor shall you recapture any of them anymore. People will talk to you and visit with you out of sentiment or pity, not because you have anything to offer them. Have you ever seen an old cornstalk turning brown, dying, but refusing to fall over, upon which stray birds alight now and then, hardly remarking what it is they perch on? That is you. I cannot fathom your place in life’s economy. A living thing should either create or destroy according to its capacity and caprice, but you, you do neither. You only live on dreaming of the nice things you would like to have happen to you but which never happen; and you wonder vaguely why the young lives about you which you occasionally chide for a fancied impropriety never listen to you and seem to flee at your approach. When you die you will be buried and forgotten and that is all. The morticians will enclose you in a worm-proof casket, thus sealing even unto eternity the clay of your uselessness. And for all the good or evil, creation or destruction, that your living might have accomplished, you might just as well has never lived at all. I cannot see the purpose in such a life. I can see in it only vulgar, shocking waste.”
― Charles G. FinneyThe Circus of Dr. Lao

 

I’ve been in the Tarot business for a long time. Most of my clients want smoke and sunshine blown up their asses. They want to blame fate, karma, god, the universe, and everybody else for their situations. They want things to fall into place without having to do anything about it. They want it all and they want it now. And they wanted it handed to them on a silver platter with a silver spoon. Reality doesn’t work that way, the world doesn’t owe you anything. You have to work for it. You have to make sacrifices, and you have to be able to perform. It also doesn’t hurt if you know people.

When I found this quote, it is what the TRUE reality is for most people. I’m going to print it out on business cards and hand them out. I want to tell people, “Here. Here is your real fate. This is going to be you, unless you truly want to do something about it, instead of hoping and praying, blaming karma, god, or anyone else for where you are at. You got yourself there, one way or another. It’s up to you to get yourself out.”

Fear and Shame

I’ve been reading several books and blogs while on my journey of the Red Pill, and I’ll probably make a post about those books that I’ve found really beneficial to me. But that’s for another time.

Right now, one of the books I’ve been reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy!” by Robert Glover really gave me a punch to the stomach and to the balls. Right from the beginning this book has made me very uncomfortable, so uncomfortable that I’ve had to put the book down for periods of time only to pick it up again at a later date and keep going. Many of the lessons and the ideas that he talks about are like opening old wounds, some that I thought had healed and scarred over, some that I was totally unaware of and didn’t know existed.

Fear and shame over sexuality was and is one of them for me. All my life, I’ve felt that sex was dirty and on some level, bad. This isn’t new for a lot of men, or women for that matter. I wasn’t raised in a strict, religious household. I wasn’t sexually assaulted or abused. My parent’s never told me that sex was bad or wrong. Other than giving me a very watered down version of the “birds and the bees,” my parent’s never talked about sex with me at all. And herein lies the issue. My mother’s idea of sex is that it’s something you do when someone you love and something you do when you’re married. So my wanting to have sex was somehow wrong and bad, at least that’s how I saw it growing up. I wasn’t in love with girls and women that I saw, I was in lust. I wanted to fuck them, I didn’t want to marry them and make a bunch of babies.

I also picked up the idea somewhere along the way, that women didn’t like sex. Maybe it was my parent’s lack of talking about it, maybe it was after I had my first sexual relationship, the girl I was seeing/fucking said that maybe we shouldn’t have had sex as early as we did, and that maybe we should cut down and/or stop having sex altogether. Years later, I realized what was going on here, but at the time, it seemed to me that she didn’t like sex, regretted the sex that we had, and didn’t want to have sex anymore, especially with me. Maybe it was some of the girls I hung around with at that time that had their own hangups about sex and men as well. I’m sure it’s all of the above and probably some more that I haven’t even tapped into. God, it sucks being in my head sometimes.

Sex for me was enjoyable and I wanted it all the time. I still do. The fear and shame kick in though. I sometimes wonder on some level if the women I sleep with, or have slept with enjoy/enjoyed the sex. I still feel like I’m “pestering” them if I want sex, and in all honesty, I hate asking for it. I don’t beg or do the “please please please can we have sex please?” But I will on occasion straight up ask, “I’m feeling real turned on by you, would you like to have sex?” Sometimes I get a yes and we do, sometimes it’s no, and there is some sort of reason behind it. I hate rejection. I hate being told no. I take it personal. Like it’s me that’s the problem, when I know it’s not me. She’s not in the mood, she had a long day, she’s sick, on her period, busy, pissed off, etc. It sounds bad reading this, I know. It sounds like rationalizations too, I’m sure. Maybe some of them are. Some of them aren’t though. There are times I’ve turned down sex when approached because of a headache or I’m pissed or tired or whatever, and it wasn’t about them. Sometimes I’m being lazy. I like it when a woman initiates sex with me. It turns me on. I don’t have to risk rejection. I can do the rejecting if that’s what I’m wanting to do.

Sex has always been something that is taboo to me I guess. I like fucking in public. I like bondage, especially tying her up. I like sex where we run the risk of getting caught. I’ve even had sex with married women. Not my most shining moment, but there it is. I even had sex in a brothel with a prostitute when I turned 21. Something that I just had to try and experience. Not a bad experience, but not something I would do again.

From what Glover said in “No More Mr. Nice Guy!” in order to get through and past the fear and shame, I need to come clean about it. I need to talk to others about it. “Safe people” as he put it. People who won’t judge me about the shit I feel, the shit I’ve done. I don’t really have that other than here on ye olde internet, what with the semi-anonymity of it all. I could still attract judgment and trolls, but hey, I’m a big boy now, I think I can manage the judgment and the trolling. I’ve been there before with other things on other platforms. What’s a bunch of keyboard warriors to me anyways?

I’ve always felt that since women basically don’t like sex, or that they do it out of a sense of duty, or to get the guy off their back, that it’s wrong for me to want it, that I’m bad for wanting it. So in order to avoid the shame of it and the rejection of it, I’ve tried, pretty successfully, to inhibit myself as a sexual being and to not be sexual. Flirting has been interesting to say the least. How fucking boring is it to not want to bring up sex, even in innuendo? Takes the fun out of it for sure. Makes it fucking boring and sterile. How many encounters have I missed? How much fun have I lost because of this stupid shit? I can’t even imagine. I don’t want to imagine.

And then there is me wanting to be the “Good Lover.” That’s when I focus solely on their satisfaction to the detriment of mine. All you Men out there. If you are reading this, please for the love of god, listen very carefully to what I’m about to say next. Please.

Focusing solely on her satisfaction to the detriment of yours will lead to some fucked up shit. Like not being able to come. I’ve encountered this ALOT. I want to come, and I can pound away for what feels like forever, and it won’t happen. I’m not advocating that you totally ignore her wants and her satisfaction, but for fuck’s sake, you need to think and focus on yours too. Your needs and wants are just as valid as hers. Oh, and not only can you have the effect of not being able to come, focusing on being the “Good Lover” will set up a recipe of a boring ass sex life too. I’m quoting Glover here: “Sex that focuses on trying to please the other guarantees a routine, do-what-worked-last-time kind of experience.” It’s like he was in my bedroom taking notes.

Approval. Seeking approval is part of it too. The more I’ve been dependent on seeking a woman’s approval, the more I would hide my sexual behavior. Can’t have her disapproving of me, god forbid I offend her because I want to fuck her.

This fear and shame has another interesting effect too. Since I’ve pretty much believed that woman don’t like and don’t want sex, why the hell would they be attracted to me? What could I possibly offer them? That one was and is, a nut-buster. I’ve felt that way for years. It was never really on the conscious level, but always running in the background, like a subroutine. Quoting Glover again: “…trying to be nice robs a man of his life energy. The more a Nice Guy seeks approval and tries to “do it right,” the tighter he clamps a lid down on any kind of energy that might actually draw a person to him.” Ouch. Ding ding! Been there, done that. Still do it.

Taking the Red Pill has been an interesting and challenging journey to say the least. I have no regrets, I’m glad I’ve done it. I know I can’t go back to the blue pill lie, nor do I want to. But goddamn, this one, this part of the journey has been a real motherfucker. I am definitely not a victim here. I will not, and cannot play that card. Fuck that. It’s my shit and I get to deal with it and overcome it. But fuck….

Why am I even writing all of this? This is my “coming out of the closet,” I guess. It’s me putting my shame and fear out on the table for the whole world to read if they so choose to. I can’t get past it unless I shed the light of day on it. I’ve put this off long enough. For far too long actually. And there’s more, but I don’t have the time or the stomach to put it out there right now, so that’ll be another time. Another post. Yay me.

Glover has some wonderful tools and ideas in his book, “No More Mr. Nice Guy!” and if you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend it. I’ve read a lot of literature out there when it comes to being a Man and relating to women and whatnot, and this is definitely a good one.

It’s Been A Minute

So it’s been a minute since I last wrote something. Life has a funny way of getting in the way. First it’s life in general, the usual shit. Car needs to be fixed, winter is here and there is snow to be shoveled. Oh and then there is the visit to the orthopedic surgeon to get your knee operated on. By the way, if you are ever in the position to need to have your knee operated on, while I don’t recommend surgery in general, in this case, I highly recommend it. Night and day difference from the word go. No need for crutches from the moment I exited the hospital and no need to use industrial strength pain killers. I could have passed on the compression socks though. On a positive note, they don’t fall down like “regular” socks. I guess that’s a good thing. And that was right before Christmas! Now it’s physical therapy, light duty on the job, and putting off writing here.

Why did I keep putting things off? First, I felt and feel that I have A LOT to say. Yet at the same time, it’s not much different from what other Men in the manosphere have been saying, and quite a few of them have been doing it longer than me and they could gather their thoughts and say what needs to be said much more clearly and succinctly than I could ever say it. My inner perfectionist has been screaming at me from day one about writing down this whole journey. “You need to make sure that what you are saying can be comprehended! Spell check! Grammar! What makes your blog so different?!” And on and on and on. The truth is, I was scared. Scared that I would be boring. Scared that nobody would actually give a shit about what I have to say. Scared that I don’t have a cool, slick blog with pretty pictures in the beginning of my post to distract whoever comes along and just happens to read what I’m saying and goes, “What?! He doesn’t have a picture of a cloud, a cat, a couple! I’m fucking out of here!” But they have to leave the Comment first. You know the comment. “Dude! Your blog sucks balls! You were random and all over the place! You didn’t use semi-colons, colons, and whatever other grammatically correct punctuation that you should be using! Your spelling was atrocious! Christ! I lost I.Q. points just trying to read your inane shit! You didn’t even have any pictures or links to Youtube or to other blogs when you found something you felt was worthwhile!” You get the picture.

I realize now that I was copping out. Is the words that come from my brain and onto the screen going to be amazing epiphanies? Probably not. Most of it has been said before and by better writers and thinkers. Am I going to get a million visitors a day, a week, a month, a year? Again, no. I don’t care though. Really this blog is actually for me rather than for anyone else. If I do happen to garner a few visitors, that’s fine, but all in all, it’s not about the people on the internet, it’s about me going through my own process. So it’s better to write and get it out of me and get it out there, warts and all. Misspellings and bad punctuation and all. It’s not like I’m trying to win the school spelling bee or win some kind of literary prize.

It’s better to write than not to write. It’s better to speak than not to speak. (I’ve got family who would argue this point.) It’s better to do than not to do.

I could go on about going on, but I’m not going to. I’ll be talking about my Red Pill journey in the next post.

And to the 5 people who viewed my blog and decided for whatever crazy reason to follow me, thank you.

Cultural Warfare

Make no doubt about it, the cultural war is real and it has gone hot.

Social Justice Warriors (SJW’S) have come out in full force since the election and have taken off the gloves. The “tolerant” left is only tolerant of your point of view if it is the same as theirs. Having a difference of opinion will get you condemned with such two dollar words such as racist, sexist, misogynist, islamophobe, the list goes on.

If you are a moderate, make no mistake, they WILL come after you, if they haven’t already. They can’t be reasoned with, so don’t even try. These “people” don’t know how to reason and have no reason, so stating things like facts and using logic will get you nowhere. In fact, it will be used against you. Trying to state your case with facts and logic will put you on the defense and will be used as ammunition against you. Don’t do them the favor. Don’t help them destroy you.

SJW’S don’t use logic and facts, everything to them is based on their feelings and rhetoric. Keep this in mind. These bullies are so used to pointing and screeching and browbeating their targets down, they are so used to not getting any resistance, that there is their weakness. They have a great offense, but no defense. They call you a racist? Call them one right back. Continue the assault. Call them a racist, sexist pedophile. Nail them to the wall. Show them no mercy because they sure as hell aren’t going to show you any.

It’s time to stop being on the defensive, we’ve done that long enough. It’s time to go on the offensive. Ridicule them. Use rhetoric. Become a troll. Demoralize them. Get them fired from their job. Get them kicked out of school. Become a hard target.

Read the book SJW’S Always Lie from Vox Day. You’ll find out their tactics and what you can do when you come under attack from an SJW. It’s an eye opening read.

Unplugging

For most, if not all my life, I’ve been plugged in. Plugged in to the Feminine-Centric Matrix. What is this Matrix? It’s the conditioning that I and probably most every other male and female have received since we where born. It’s the conditioning from society and Western culture that dictates what we are supposed to do and who and how we should become.

For at least the last twenty years of my life, I’ve thought that I’m crazy. Maybe I am. I doubt it now. I’ve seen and heard things that are going on in real time, in real life, that don’t match up with the conditioning that the Matrix has been forcing down my throat.

I’m sure if you’re reading this, this may be nothing new to you. Maybe you, especially if you are a guy, have felt or are feeling the same way. I wish I could add something new, something unique, but in all honesty, “that shit has been done before.” I do feel the need to say what I’m saying though, if anything just to add my flavor and my perspective on my journey of unplugging.

Sit back, enjoy the ride, and let’s take a trip down the rabbit hole…