Fear and Shame

I’ve been reading several books and blogs while on my journey of the Red Pill, and I’ll probably make a post about those books that I’ve found really beneficial to me. But that’s for another time.

Right now, one of the books I’ve been reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy!” by Robert Glover really gave me a punch to the stomach and to the balls. Right from the beginning this book has made me very uncomfortable, so uncomfortable that I’ve had to put the book down for periods of time only to pick it up again at a later date and keep going. Many of the lessons and the ideas that he talks about are like opening old wounds, some that I thought had healed and scarred over, some that I was totally unaware of and didn’t know existed.

Fear and shame over sexuality was and is one of them for me. All my life, I’ve felt that sex was dirty and on some level, bad. This isn’t new for a lot of men, or women for that matter. I wasn’t raised in a strict, religious household. I wasn’t sexually assaulted or abused. My parent’s never told me that sex was bad or wrong. Other than giving me a very watered down version of the “birds and the bees,” my parent’s never talked about sex with me at all. And herein lies the issue. My mother’s idea of sex is that it’s something you do when someone you love and something you do when you’re married. So my wanting to have sex was somehow wrong and bad, at least that’s how I saw it growing up. I wasn’t in love with girls and women that I saw, I was in lust. I wanted to fuck them, I didn’t want to marry them and make a bunch of babies.

I also picked up the idea somewhere along the way, that women didn’t like sex. Maybe it was my parent’s lack of talking about it, maybe it was after I had my first sexual relationship, the girl I was seeing/fucking said that maybe we shouldn’t have had sex as early as we did, and that maybe we should cut down and/or stop having sex altogether. Years later, I realized what was going on here, but at the time, it seemed to me that she didn’t like sex, regretted the sex that we had, and didn’t want to have sex anymore, especially with me. Maybe it was some of the girls I hung around with at that time that had their own hangups about sex and men as well. I’m sure it’s all of the above and probably some more that I haven’t even tapped into. God, it sucks being in my head sometimes.

Sex for me was enjoyable and I wanted it all the time. I still do. The fear and shame kick in though. I sometimes wonder on some level if the women I sleep with, or have slept with enjoy/enjoyed the sex. I still feel like I’m “pestering” them if I want sex, and in all honesty, I hate asking for it. I don’t beg or do the “please please please can we have sex please?” But I will on occasion straight up ask, “I’m feeling real turned on by you, would you like to have sex?” Sometimes I get a yes and we do, sometimes it’s no, and there is some sort of reason behind it. I hate rejection. I hate being told no. I take it personal. Like it’s me that’s the problem, when I know it’s not me. She’s not in the mood, she had a long day, she’s sick, on her period, busy, pissed off, etc. It sounds bad reading this, I know. It sounds like rationalizations too, I’m sure. Maybe some of them are. Some of them aren’t though. There are times I’ve turned down sex when approached because of a headache or I’m pissed or tired or whatever, and it wasn’t about them. Sometimes I’m being lazy. I like it when a woman initiates sex with me. It turns me on. I don’t have to risk rejection. I can do the rejecting if that’s what I’m wanting to do.

Sex has always been something that is taboo to me I guess. I like fucking in public. I like bondage, especially tying her up. I like sex where we run the risk of getting caught. I’ve even had sex with married women. Not my most shining moment, but there it is. I even had sex in a brothel with a prostitute when I turned 21. Something that I just had to try and experience. Not a bad experience, but not something I would do again.

From what Glover said in “No More Mr. Nice Guy!” in order to get through and past the fear and shame, I need to come clean about it. I need to talk to others about it. “Safe people” as he put it. People who won’t judge me about the shit I feel, the shit I’ve done. I don’t really have that other than here on ye olde internet, what with the semi-anonymity of it all. I could still attract judgment and trolls, but hey, I’m a big boy now, I think I can manage the judgment and the trolling. I’ve been there before with other things on other platforms. What’s a bunch of keyboard warriors to me anyways?

I’ve always felt that since women basically don’t like sex, or that they do it out of a sense of duty, or to get the guy off their back, that it’s wrong for me to want it, that I’m bad for wanting it. So in order to avoid the shame of it and the rejection of it, I’ve tried, pretty successfully, to inhibit myself as a sexual being and to not be sexual. Flirting has been interesting to say the least. How fucking boring is it to not want to bring up sex, even in innuendo? Takes the fun out of it for sure. Makes it fucking boring and sterile. How many encounters have I missed? How much fun have I lost because of this stupid shit? I can’t even imagine. I don’t want to imagine.

And then there is me wanting to be the “Good Lover.” That’s when I focus solely on their satisfaction to the detriment of mine. All you Men out there. If you are reading this, please for the love of god, listen very carefully to what I’m about to say next. Please.

Focusing solely on her satisfaction to the detriment of yours will lead to some fucked up shit. Like not being able to come. I’ve encountered this ALOT. I want to come, and I can pound away for what feels like forever, and it won’t happen. I’m not advocating that you totally ignore her wants and her satisfaction, but for fuck’s sake, you need to think and focus on yours too. Your needs and wants are just as valid as hers. Oh, and not only can you have the effect of not being able to come, focusing on being the “Good Lover” will set up a recipe of a boring ass sex life too. I’m quoting Glover here: “Sex that focuses on trying to please the other guarantees a routine, do-what-worked-last-time kind of experience.” It’s like he was in my bedroom taking notes.

Approval. Seeking approval is part of it too. The more I’ve been dependent on seeking a woman’s approval, the more I would hide my sexual behavior. Can’t have her disapproving of me, god forbid I offend her because I want to fuck her.

This fear and shame has another interesting effect too. Since I’ve pretty much believed that woman don’t like and don’t want sex, why the hell would they be attracted to me? What could I possibly offer them? That one was and is, a nut-buster. I’ve felt that way for years. It was never really on the conscious level, but always running in the background, like a subroutine. Quoting Glover again: “…trying to be nice robs a man of his life energy. The more a Nice Guy seeks approval and tries to “do it right,” the tighter he clamps a lid down on any kind of energy that might actually draw a person to him.” Ouch. Ding ding! Been there, done that. Still do it.

Taking the Red Pill has been an interesting and challenging journey to say the least. I have no regrets, I’m glad I’ve done it. I know I can’t go back to the blue pill lie, nor do I want to. But goddamn, this one, this part of the journey has been a real motherfucker. I am definitely not a victim here. I will not, and cannot play that card. Fuck that. It’s my shit and I get to deal with it and overcome it. But fuck….

Why am I even writing all of this? This is my “coming out of the closet,” I guess. It’s me putting my shame and fear out on the table for the whole world to read if they so choose to. I can’t get past it unless I shed the light of day on it. I’ve put this off long enough. For far too long actually. And there’s more, but I don’t have the time or the stomach to put it out there right now, so that’ll be another time. Another post. Yay me.

Glover has some wonderful tools and ideas in his book, “No More Mr. Nice Guy!” and if you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend it. I’ve read a lot of literature out there when it comes to being a Man and relating to women and whatnot, and this is definitely a good one.

It’s Been A Minute

So it’s been a minute since I last wrote something. Life has a funny way of getting in the way. First it’s life in general, the usual shit. Car needs to be fixed, winter is here and there is snow to be shoveled. Oh and then there is the visit to the orthopedic surgeon to get your knee operated on. By the way, if you are ever in the position to need to have your knee operated on, while I don’t recommend surgery in general, in this case, I highly recommend it. Night and day difference from the word go. No need for crutches from the moment I exited the hospital and no need to use industrial strength pain killers. I could have passed on the compression socks though. On a positive note, they don’t fall down like “regular” socks. I guess that’s a good thing. And that was right before Christmas! Now it’s physical therapy, light duty on the job, and putting off writing here.

Why did I keep putting things off? First, I felt and feel that I have A LOT to say. Yet at the same time, it’s not much different from what other Men in the manosphere have been saying, and quite a few of them have been doing it longer than me and they could gather their thoughts and say what needs to be said much more clearly and succinctly than I could ever say it. My inner perfectionist has been screaming at me from day one about writing down this whole journey. “You need to make sure that what you are saying can be comprehended! Spell check! Grammar! What makes your blog so different?!” And on and on and on. The truth is, I was scared. Scared that I would be boring. Scared that nobody would actually give a shit about what I have to say. Scared that I don’t have a cool, slick blog with pretty pictures in the beginning of my post to distract whoever comes along and just happens to read what I’m saying and goes, “What?! He doesn’t have a picture of a cloud, a cat, a couple! I’m fucking out of here!” But they have to leave the Comment first. You know the comment. “Dude! Your blog sucks balls! You were random and all over the place! You didn’t use semi-colons, colons, and whatever other grammatically correct punctuation that you should be using! Your spelling was atrocious! Christ! I lost I.Q. points just trying to read your inane shit! You didn’t even have any pictures or links to Youtube or to other blogs when you found something you felt was worthwhile!” You get the picture.

I realize now that I was copping out. Is the words that come from my brain and onto the screen going to be amazing epiphanies? Probably not. Most of it has been said before and by better writers and thinkers. Am I going to get a million visitors a day, a week, a month, a year? Again, no. I don’t care though. Really this blog is actually for me rather than for anyone else. If I do happen to garner a few visitors, that’s fine, but all in all, it’s not about the people on the internet, it’s about me going through my own process. So it’s better to write and get it out of me and get it out there, warts and all. Misspellings and bad punctuation and all. It’s not like I’m trying to win the school spelling bee or win some kind of literary prize.

It’s better to write than not to write. It’s better to speak than not to speak. (I’ve got family who would argue this point.) It’s better to do than not to do.

I could go on about going on, but I’m not going to. I’ll be talking about my Red Pill journey in the next post.

And to the 5 people who viewed my blog and decided for whatever crazy reason to follow me, thank you.

Cultural Warfare

Make no doubt about it, the cultural war is real and it has gone hot.

Social Justice Warriors (SJW’S) have come out in full force since the election and have taken off the gloves. The “tolerant” left is only tolerant of your point of view if it is the same as theirs. Having a difference of opinion will get you condemned with such two dollar words such as racist, sexist, misogynist, islamophobe, the list goes on.

If you are a moderate, make no mistake, they WILL come after you, if they haven’t already. They can’t be reasoned with, so don’t even try. These “people” don’t know how to reason and have no reason, so stating things like facts and using logic will get you nowhere. In fact, it will be used against you. Trying to state your case with facts and logic will put you on the defense and will be used as ammunition against you. Don’t do them the favor. Don’t help them destroy you.

SJW’S don’t use logic and facts, everything to them is based on their feelings and rhetoric. Keep this in mind. These bullies are so used to pointing and screeching and browbeating their targets down, they are so used to not getting any resistance, that there is their weakness. They have a great offense, but no defense. They call you a racist? Call them one right back. Continue the assault. Call them a racist, sexist pedophile. Nail them to the wall. Show them no mercy because they sure as hell aren’t going to show you any.

It’s time to stop being on the defensive, we’ve done that long enough. It’s time to go on the offensive. Ridicule them. Use rhetoric. Become a troll. Demoralize them. Get them fired from their job. Get them kicked out of school. Become a hard target.

Read the book SJW’S Always Lie from Vox Day. You’ll find out their tactics and what you can do when you come under attack from an SJW. It’s an eye opening read.

Unplugging

For most, if not all my life, I’ve been plugged in. Plugged in to the Feminine-Centric Matrix. What is this Matrix? It’s the conditioning that I and probably most every other male and female have received since we where born. It’s the conditioning from society and Western culture that dictates what we are supposed to do and who and how we should become.

For at least the last twenty years of my life, I’ve thought that I’m crazy. Maybe I am. I doubt it now. I’ve seen and heard things that are going on in real time, in real life, that don’t match up with the conditioning that the Matrix has been forcing down my throat.

I’m sure if you’re reading this, this may be nothing new to you. Maybe you, especially if you are a guy, have felt or are feeling the same way. I wish I could add something new, something unique, but in all honesty, “that shit has been done before.” I do feel the need to say what I’m saying though, if anything just to add my flavor and my perspective on my journey of unplugging.

Sit back, enjoy the ride, and let’s take a trip down the rabbit hole…