It’s been a little over a month since my ex-girlfriend moved out. I’ll be completely honest, I miss her terribly sometimes. I miss what we could have had, and what we did have. I miss her company. I miss seeing her smiling face and hearing her laugh. I miss her body. I miss having her lying next to me in bed at night and waking up to see her in the morning.
Maybe I have a small touch of Oneitis. I wouldn’t doubt that. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any delusions that she was ever my “soulmate.” I don’t have the scarcity mentality that “I’ll never love again.” But every once in a while, damn, I sure do miss her.
She was the youngest, most fit, and most attractive woman that I’ve had so far in my life. She put the past women to shame. There will be other women, I know this. But at this moment that I’m typing this, it doesn’t seem like it. It doesn’t seem like there will be another “younger, hotter, tighter.” There will be, I know it. It just doesn’t seem like that right now. I’ll get there though.
Here’s something I did think about though:
Maybe I dodged a bullet. You see, my ex-gf snowballed me when we broke up. I really had no idea that it was coming. Maybe us breaking up was a good thing.
A couple of months before we broke up, we had talked about a future where there would have been marriage and most likely some children. I’m old enough at this point that I was good with the idea that I would never be a father, but then we talked about it, seriously. I realized that not only was the idea okay, it actually appealed to me. I got excited about the idea of being a father. I got excited about the idea of raising children and being called “Dad.”
Now that’s not going to happen. At least not with her anyways. Perhaps it won’t happen at all. I don’t know how I feel about that.
Maybe I dodged a bullet because we could have gotten married and had children and she could have snowballed me then, and either left me raising children by myself, or even worse, she could have gotten custody of my children and then I’m left doing what a lot of Men are doing these days: Working themselves into an early grave to provide for their children that they don’t get to see as often as they would like to. Having another man raising and/or influencing their children in ways that may not be how he, as the father, would want his children raised. Paying alimony.
I could sit here and lament the relationship that ended. I could lament how it didn’t work out the way that I had hoped it would. I could pine over her. I could torture myself in a thousand different ways by playing the “coulda, woulda, shoulda” game. I could go over all of this for the millionth time in my head and try to wrap myself around it. And still come up short on answers that satisfy me.
Or I could look at it as I dodged a bullet. Better now that all of the things that happened, happened. Better now that they happened rather than 5 years down the road. Better they happened before we ever talked about setting a wedding date and started actually having children.
If you are a Man and you’re reading this right now, and you’re dealing with a divorce, a break up, a loss of a relationship, maybe you too, dodged a bullet.