Life Coaches And Relationship Experts

man and woman doing yoga
Naval Gazing. That’s what you will get from a “life coach.” If you are lucky.

There’s a lot of things that have irritated me throughout my life, but the one that pisses me off the most, hands down, is the so-called “life coach.” The only thing that is worse than a “life coach,” is a “life coach and relationship expert.”

What pisses me off so bad about these people you ask? Why I’m glad you mentioned it! Let’s get right down to it shall we?

First off, there are zero (zilch, nada, 0, none, no) requirements to become a “life coach.” You don’t have to have any specialized knowledge. You don’t have to have any certification. You don’t have to have any licensing. You don’t have to have anything at all actually. All you do have to have, is to say, “Hey guys! I’m a fucking life coach!” That’s it. That’s all you need. Just say that you’re a “life coach,” and guess what?! You’re a life coach. Did you know that convicted felons can be “life coaches?” That’s how low the bar is. Last I checked, the only thing that a convicted felon was good at, was getting caught. They can’t legally own firearms or vote in the United States of America, but they can be “life coaches.” Keep that in mind if and when you are out “shopping” for a “life coach.”

Now in my own personal, first hand experience, I have yet to meet someone who claims that they are a life coach, that are actually doing better than me. Without exception, every life coach I have personally met, their lives are steaming piles of dogshit on top of a trainwreck. And I’ve met quite a few life coaches over the last few years. None of them are worth the business cards that they are handing out like candy. Not a single one of them.

Second thing about life coaches that bugs the shit out of me:

Who are they to tell you how to live your life? They aren’t you. They don’t have your experiences, they don’t live your life, they don’t have your skills, and trust me, the only skill I’ve encountered that they do have is the ability to bullshit themselves and you if you aren’t careful. Being a “life coach” is such a broad, vague, and nebulous thing. Think about it. Supposedly these people are claiming that they have the solutions to most, if not all, of your problems. I mean, they are “life coaches” right? So they are going to “coach” you on life! What makes them so fucking special? Seriously.

Would you ask a mechanic that doesn’t play basketball, how to play basketball? Would you ask a plumber how to code? Would you ask your grandmother how to drive a race car? I’ll bet you wouldn’t. Asking a “life coach” about anything is pretty much tantamount to what I just mentioned. If you wouldn’t ask your grandmother how to fly an airplane or how to shoot hoops, why would you ask a “life coach” how to do those things? Trust me, they don’t know how to do those things either. If they did, they would be shooting hoops professionally, flying airplanes, or driving race cars, not giving out “life advice.”

Does your life suck so bad that you are actually considering asking a “life coach” for advice? You’re better off going and getting a “psychic” reading for all it will help. You’ll get about the same advice, and probably a lot cheaper than what a “life coach” is offering you. In fact, the only thing you’re going to get out of a “life coach” is a lighter wallet. That’s it.

What’s the difference between an expert and a “life coach?”

An expert knows a very specific area, job, or skill very well. An NBA basketball player could probably teach you a thing or two about basketball. A computer programmer could probably teach you a thing or two about computers and possibly coding. But a “life coach?” You’ve got to be kidding me. “Life coaches” are people who don’t want to actually go out and get a job and do any real sort of work. They would rather tell you what to do instead of doing it themselves.

Now let’s talk about “relationship experts.”

These people are “life coaches” masquerading as if they know relationships well. Now, to give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they do. Maybe they have been in a relationship for years and years on end. They probably know a thing or two. Problem is, your relationships, or lack thereof, isn’t going to be their relationships. They aren’t you. Their partner isn’t your partner. What has worked for them, may not in fact, work for you. Tread carefully here, your love life, or future love life may depend on it.

Would you trust the advice of someone who is currently single, but will tell you that they are a “relationship expert?” Who would you trust more, your grandparents that have been married for 50 years, or some person off of the internet that bounces from one relationship to the next?

This one is directed specifically to the Men out there:

The worst thing you could possibly do is go to a woman “relationship expert.” Don’t do it. For the love of your future children, your future wife, girlfriend, significant other, just don’t fucking do it. You’ll end up a beta orbiter at best. At best. At worst, you’ll end up pissed off, broke, confused, and bitter. Oh and alone. You want to know how to get good with women? Go find a man who is good with women, and talk to him.

This one is directed specifically to the Women out there:

I know you mean well. Truly I do. But if you love Men, truly love, adore, and cherish them, stop giving them advice on how to get women. Stop giving them advice on how to be a man. You are not a Man. You have never been one. You will never, and I mean never, be one. Just like we Men have no idea what it’s like to be a woman, you have no idea, and you never will, what it’s like to be a Man. So knock it off. I know you come with good intentions, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Stop it. Why don’t you focus on working on you and on becoming the best woman you can be, and let us Men figure our own shit out?

Guys, we have sat at the knee of women for most of our lives. First it was our Mother’s, sisters, cousin’s, and aunt’s. Then we sat at the knee of our female teachers from K through 12. Then many of us sat at the knee of our female professors during college. And then we sat at the knees of our wives and girlfriends. It’s time for us to figure our shit out. Maybe the absolute last thing we need to hear from is another woman? Ladies, we love you and we got this. Thanks for your concern and your caring, truly. But we got this.

To wrap this up:

Realize that anytime you see or hear the words “life coach,” you are dealing with someone who has no credentials, no required licensing, probably no degrees, and even if they do, so what? I have a degree. A BS in fact. Do you know what BS stands for. BullShit. Do you know what an MS degree is? More Shit. And can you guess what PHD stands for? Piled Higher and Deeper. That was actually a quote from a professor that I had when I was in college back in the early 90’s.

Your life experiences are your own. Are you willing to hand over your money, time, and trust to someone that doesn’t really know you? Someone that hasn’t actually walked in your shoes? Someone that isn’t and wouldn’t be held legally responsible for giving you bad, or inaccurate information? Because that’s the thing with “life coaches” and “relationship experts,” you won’t necessarily be able to hold them legally accountable in the event that you take their advice and fuck your life up even worse than it already is.

I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do, or how to live your life. I’m not you. I don’t have your experiences and the last time I checked, you aren’t me, so you don’t have mine. Chances are, you already know what you need to do. So just do it. Don’t bother wasting your time and your money on a “life coach.”

You want to learn specific skills? Fine. Go find someone that actually knows those skills and can show them to you on demand. That’s an expert. A “life coach?” Tell them to go pound sand.

 

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