Insomnia

man in blue and brown plaid dress shirt touching his hair

It’s 1am in the morning as I write this. I went to bed early, around 9pm, promptly fell asleep, and then woke up at 11pm.

And now I’m wide awake. After tossing and turning for 2 hours, I decided to hell with it, I’m getting up and doing something. Maybe after I write this, I’ll be able to go back to bed and get back to sleep. If not, the rest of this day is going to be a long day.

I’ve got so many things on my mind right now, it’s a tornado inside my head. The crazy thing is, I can’t seem to really pin any of these thoughts down for very long, if at all. I’m gonna try and pin a couple of them down though. Forgive my “stream of consciousness.”

I’ve got some concerns over finances. The registration on the car is coming up by the end of the month, and of course property taxes are just around the corner. I’ve got excitement for my upcoming trip to visit with Vince, TJ, Aaron, and anyone else who decides to show up. I want to get the motorcycle out and do some rides before the weather turns to shit. I’m excited for an event that’s coming up in late October.

And then there’s my Mom. It’s been almost a year since she died. September 17th will be one whole year. Where has the time gone? In some ways, it feels like it was only yesterday that she died. In other ways, it feels like it’s been an eternity. Some days I can still hear her voice very clearly, almost like she is in the next room. Other days, like right now, I barely remember what she sounded like. As of right now, I still haven’t been to the cemetary to visit her grave.

My Dad asked me about that a little while ago. He’s been up to the cemetary to visit her grave and make sure that it looks nice. You know, make sure there isn’t garbage on her spot. Make sure there isn’t any weeds or other nonsense going on around her grave. He told me it’s been well taken care of and it looks nice. I guess the guys who carved the headstone did a really good job.

But I haven’t been there yet. And honestly I have no desire to go there. I’m sure I’m avoiding something here. I know she’s gone and I’m as good with that as I’ll ever be. Maybe seeing her grave will “break something loose.” Maybe not. Maybe it will be no big deal. Just another headstone in another cemetary.

In my current state, you’ll have to pardon me if I don’t remember if I posted about what I’m about to say or not:

People who dwell in the past tend towards depression. People who dwell in the future tend towards anxiety.¬†This isn’t a medical or psychological diagnosis I’m making here, just an observation. Most of the people that I’ve encountered throughout my life that either dwelled on the past or the future ended up either depressed or anxious most of the time.

When I think about how I do “my thing,” I tend to focus pretty much on the present with some jumps into the future. I’ve never been one to dwell on the past. The past is the past right? You can’t change it and you can’t go back to it, so why dwell on it? I think a lot of sentimentality is created from dwelling on the past, for better or for worse. I guess that’s why I’m not much of a sentimental guy. I guess that’s why I’m not too bothered about things like old family photos or the lack of them.

I’ve started a couple of “relationships” with a couple different women at the moment. These relationships have a shelf life, they have an expiration date. I don’t know when they will expire, but I’m sure they will. I’m not seeking anything long term and my expectations are low. In fact, I don’t have any expectations of these women except that if they are going to show up, we’ll enjoy each other’s company until it’s time for one of us to go home. Maybe we’ll see each other for several days, weeks, months, or even years. I highly doubt it, but hey, stranger things have happened. If they walk tomorrow, that’s okay. I have enjoyed myself fully while I was with them and while I was around them. I accept them for who and what they are. I don’t dig deep into their going’s on, other than scheduling the next time that we will get together. Their lives are their own. Their circuses and their monkeys are theirs, not mine.

That’s living in the present to me. Come and be around me, but if you do, leave your drama at home. Don’t bring it to my doorstep please.

Have you guys ever had insomnia? You still dealing with it? What has worked for you? Tell me in the comments, or shoot me an email.

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Observations From A Saturday Night

photo of glass overflowing with beer

It’s Labor Day again. By the time you guys read this, it will be past Labor Day, but yeah I’m writing this then.

I did what I didn’t think was possible. I’m actually burned out on drinking. I’m writing this sober and even the idea of having a beer just doesn’t sound good right now. I’m not hung over, I’m just….Done. At least for today, maybe longer, who knows? We’ll see.

It all started Friday afternoon and continued well into the wee hours of Monday morning. So that’s what, two and a half days of constant consumption of alcohol? 2 and a half days of being in some sort of buzzed state, if not straight up drunk? Yeah something like that. I think a few of my guys would be proud. (Carl and BullRush come to mind.) Or maybe they would be a little nervous. (Jesus, do we really want to go out drinking with Rob? The guy might actually put us in the grave.) Be afraid Jack, be very afraid.

Not bad for a short, skinny guy.

Skinny. That’s a funny word to me. It’s funny to me because I’ve never been able to see myself as skinny. I’ve always been the overweight guy. Even now when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t necessarily see myself as thin. There’s residual “love handles” that are still there. And yet when I touch them, I realize that the protrusion I’m seeing and feeling is more hip bone than anything.

I’ve had people online on Twitter call me skinny or thin and it makes me pause. Again, because that’s not how I see myself. But these people have never seen the younger, fatter version of me, they never grew up with that. All they know about me is what they see now and I guess they see a skinny guy. A “bundle of stix.” I take that comment as a compliment. I’m okay with that. In today’s world of obesity, it’s been my personal experience that it is better to be a bundle of sticks than to be fat. Especially if you are a Man.

Which brings me to the next observation:

On Saturday afternoon and well into the night, I got the pleasure of meeting up with a fellow Man by the name of Elton Skelton. He’s a great guy. He’s recently “unplugged” and is figuring out what he wants out of his life and is truly starting to live his life on his own terms. I couldn’t be happier for him.

Mr Skelton and I went out Saturday night to a local club here in Salt Lake and listened to the house band, which was phenomenal by the way, had a few drinks, and had a great time. It’s been over 15 years since I’ve been in a “club.” Oh I’ve been to many bars since those 15 years ago, but not a club. Clubs to me are usually too loud, too chaotic, and now that I’m getting older, I could be easily seen as the “creepy old dude at the club.”

One thing I’ve learned about women is that they are conformists and herd animals. They typically travel in packs, and whatever the group does or believes, the individual tends to tow the party line. What that means to me is, I know there are young women that would be totally into an older guy like me, but because the group as a whole may frown on “the old guy,” she will go along with her peers and not be open to being approached by said “old guy.” I’ve come to realize that while I’m sure I could take a much younger woman to a club and we would be just fine and have a good time, trying to approach and meet a much younger woman at the club is going to be very difficult to say the least.

I want to approach and “pick up” women with ease. I don’t need to summit mountains to get the phone number. I think that’s an ego thing for the guys who do that, and that’s okay for them, you do you. I’m more concerned about my success with approaching than I am about the degree of difficulty. In fact, the less difficulty, the better. Maybe that makes me lazy in some people’s eyes, but I don’t really care. That degree of difficulty or the lack of it may be all the difference between you getting blown out of the water, and me going home with someone that I can enjoy. I’m rambling, let’s move on…

Another observation that showed up for me while I was at the club with Mr Skelton was that he, myself, and one other guy were the best dressed guys in there. 3 guys. That was it. The rest of the guys were seriously doing the ill fitting t-shirts and cargo shorts thing. Clones of each other. It was really sad and a bit pathetic.

Also, I found myself, at least for a little bit, going into “security mode.” I used to do armed security for a couple of bars back in the day and I guess that training and mentality dies hard. I was finding myself scanning the room, looking for any threats. Looking for the big, aggressive drunk dudes who may decide to pop off and throw down. Looking for anything that could show up for me as something to avoid or to keep an eye on. There was none of that on Saturday night. Not a single one. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want there to be trouble, I don’t want to avoid people in order to avoid ending up in a fight, but there was none of that there.

The guys that were there were all so “soft.” Soft in their bodies and in their actions, which tells me, they are soft in their minds. Not an assertive one among them. Not one “predator.” Just soft, lost doughboys. Pillows wearing ratty oversized t-shirts and cargo shorts.

Guys, that’s your competition. That’s what’s out there. I don’t know if the bar could fall any lower. I found it really sad that here I am, 47 years old, and I’m in better shape than 99% of the club, and I’m not even trying. I’m no paragon of healthy eating and living. I’m in better shape than all the guys that were in their early to mid twenties. It still blows my mind when I think about it.

Guys, you don’t have to work hard to be in the “upper tiers” today. Just do a little work. Seriously.

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Appreciating Women

woman holding flowers
It’s all about the Sun Hat Gods. LOL ūüėČ

I’m probably going to catch hell from certain circles of the ‘Sphere about this essay. I imagine that there are going to be guys who will think that I’ve lost my mind and that I’m going “purple” or “blue pill” on them. I’m not. This isn’t about women all being sugar and spice and boy, do they smell nice. This isn’t about “you too can find and get your One.” This isn’t about pedestalization. In fact, it’s not really about women at all, or at least for the most part. It’s about You. Let’s carry on…

I’ve been thinking a lot about things lately, and something showed up for me that I’ve never really given a lot of thought to. Let me start off with a little back story…

The other day I was drinking and shitposting on Twitter as I usually do, and I had a conversation via DM’s with a guy that I follow and have a ton of respect for. We got to bullshitting as we do, and he sends me this link. Now in this link some asshole author called him an Esquire. The Red Pill Douche, Esq to be exact. Which got me to thinking, “this guy is fucking royalty!” That or the author of the blog post has a real hard-on for my guy. Either way, I decided right then and there that I too, wanted a title. So I knighted myself and gave myself the title of Esq. as well because, why the fuck not?

What did this little story have to do with anything? Absolutely nothing. I just decided to share it because I found it immensely amusing and immensely entertaining.

Anyways, after I knighted and anointed a few other guys and drank a couple more beers, I decided to see what my “daygamers” were up to. I have a lot of respect for these guys because they are out there in the field, hitting on the babes, getting shot down, getting the number, getting the close, and in some cases, getting the lay.

These guys are bulletproof, let me tell you. So I’m scrolling their timelines, reading their shit, and of course, links and blogs galore start showing up. And of course, yours truly has to go down THAT rabbit hole.

Many clicks later, I stumbled across a blog that I had only heard mention of, I’m sure the pick up guys will snicker and call me a noob as I’m sure this particular blog is old hat to that crew, but hey, you can teach an old dog like me new tricks.

So I’m combing through this particular blog and I stumble across a post written in 2016. It’s titled How To Appreciate Every Woman (At least temporarily), and it got me to thinking…

First off, it’s a great article and I highly recommend you read it, especially if you are a Man, and here’s what I got thinking about:

I’ve had a lot of experience with women over the years. I’m not just talking about sexually, but in general. Women don’t bother me for the most part. They are who they are, warts and all. Sometimes I see guys post some crazy shit about women, and I’m thinking to myself, “Really? Is that what happened to you? Man, that sucks. I’ve never had that happen to me, thank God.” And then I move on.

I see guys stressing about hypergamy, which is a thing, but it isn’t the be-all-end-all of women. There’s more going on there than that, and after I read that article that I just linked, it got me to thinking, “Are some guys opinions and points of view simply because they lack the experience with women that I’ve had?” Honestly I don’t know. I don’t have the answer to that question, but it sounds plausible.

Guys, I won’t know how you answer this question, so at least be honest with yourselves:

How much experience have you had relating to women? I’m not just talking sexually. And I’m not talking about family either. How much interaction have you had with them besides, “Hello, how are you? How’s your day going?”

Based on my observations, I would think that there are some guys out there that have had little to no interaction with women. And that’s okay. I’m not judging.

Like the article mentions though, what if you decided to go out there and interact with women? Don’t worry about “getting the number,” or “getting the lay.” What if you just decided to talk to them? Have a conversation with them?

One of the things that I found really profound in that article was this:

Instead of looking for imperfections when you see a girl, look for her best feature.

This alone can transform your sex life.

I realize that I do this a lot. Every day, when I’m out and about, I run into women all over the place. A gigantic proportion of them I would not find sexually attractive, and I wouldn’t want to get them into bed. But I make it a point to find something about them that I find attractive, at least for that moment.

Maybe it’s her hair. The length of it. The color. The way she styles it. Maybe it’s the way she pushes her glasses up onto her nose. Maybe it’s her smile, or the way she snorts when she giggles. Maybe it’s something she is wearing. Maybe it’s her perfume.

I’ve even been able to find something attractive about a tatted up, pierced, and multi-colored hair SJW. After all, she is still a woman (at least as far as I know) and she may be pissed off at the world, but chances are it’s because she drank too much of the kool-aid.

So guys, you want to “up your chances” with women? You need to get out there and meet women and interact with them. It doesn’t mean you have to bed every woman you meet. Just talk to them. I challenge you to find one thing, just one thing that you can find attractive about her, and focus on that. See where it goes. You might surprise yourselves.

Picking up women is a numbers game. In many cases, as I have found through my own personal experience, it’s also a matter of being the right guy, in the right place, at the right time.

So here’s my challenge to you, especially if you don’t have a lot of experience with women:

Go out and do your things like you always do. (That means you have to leave the house.)

See women all around you, and they really are all around you, so pay attention.

Every woman you see, find something about her that you find attractive. Could be anything. Her hair, her clothes, the way she walks, her laugh. Literally anything.

Make a mental note to yourself of whatever it was. Talk to her if you want. Or don’t. Move on. Rinse and repeat.

Our society and our culture has men and women at war with each other. It doesn’t have to be this way. It starts with you making a choice. Choose to look for something attractive about her when you see her. I don’t care if you talk to her or not. I don’t care how old she is. I don’t care if she’s “not your type.” Just find one thing, that one thing, that you can say to yourself that you find attractive about her. Instead of looking for reasons to reject her, look for something that you like about her.

It brings the humanity back to her. It takes the “us versus them” mentality down a notch.

One of the things that I have noticed is this: The more you can find something attractive about a woman, the easier it gets to talk to her. The more “experience” you have with women, the more success you will have with women. The more you interact with women, I’m not talking about texting and doing stuff online, I’m talking real life, face-to-face interactions with them, the more their humanity comes out. This whole, us vs them mentality starts to fade.

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