It’s interesting to me, it’s been almost 6 months since Teriyaki and I split up. If you recall, we were drifting apart, and she was putting more time and making other things, like drinking, a bigger priority than me. When I confronted her about it in late May, I ask her if she still wanted to keep seeing me or not. It’s a yes or no answer, as in either it’s a yes, or anything else is a no. I got an anything else, so it was a no. I called it off on the spot, told her “no hard feelings,” offered her the invitation to stay in touch if she so desired, kissed her goodbye, and never looked back.
She reached out to me in late June, about 3 weeks after I ended things. It was close to her birthday and she was wanting company for her birthday. I was willing to be that company until I found out she didn’t really want me, she just wanted company, as in, anyone would do. She didn’t want to be alone is all. I politely declined her invitation to hang out with her on her birthday. I was in fact, meeting someone else that day.
I heard from her again on July 24th. She mentioned something about wanting to catch me on Red Evening with Jack Napier, but I wasn’t on that night because the power was out at my house and had been out for almost 24 hours. That was the last time that I have had any contact with her.
I was going through my Facebook profile and saw something she posted. I went to her profile and saw that she was in another relationship. Good for her. The best part though? She had been in that relationship since May 28th of this year. That was the day that I broke things off with her. I had a suspicion that there might indeed be another guy in the picture, and according to Facebook, it appears that there was.
I wasn’t terribly shocked or surprised and I’m not hurt or disappointed either. It just is what it is. I unfriended her though since we haven’t had contact since late July and while I was at it, I unfriended my ex-girlfriend who I haven’t had contact with in over a year. There’s no point in staying in touch with them as far as I’m concerned. I’m not a sentimentalist in that way.
I have been doing a lot of reading this year and so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m getting my source wrong. Too many books on too many subjects, but I believe it was in the novel, “Women” by Charles Bukowski that I came across something he said and it stuck with me. It was something along the lines of, “You live with a woman, eat food with them, share a bed with them, fuck them, have experiences with them until one of you leaves. You then have a short period of time alone, and then you repeat the same thing over again.”
Like I said a moment ago, I’m not a sentimentalist. Even my Mother accused me of that years before she died. I’ve never seen the point in staying in touch with someone that you or they no longer want to stay in touch. What’s the point? If you were the one to be left behind, it’s pretty clear to me the other party wants to move on without you. If you were the one leaving someone else behind, at least in my experience, it’s you who wants to move on and find something and somebody new. Why those lines that I’m not entirely sure it was Bukowski wrote stuck with me, I’m not entirely sure.
It’s something that I think about though. I was married for five years and with my ex-wife for a total of seven years. We had some great times and some not-so great times. Same could be said about my ex-girlfriend. Almost 4 years together and 2 of them living together. Same with Teriyaki. That was just over 10 months. Almost a year.
If it was in fact Bukowski that wrote it, and I believe it was, we get together, have our moments, have brief moments of being alone, and then more or less repeat ourselves. It’s what I have done multiple times throughout the years. If that is what we have become, if that is in fact, what we are and what we do, then why do it? Why bother?
It’s more of a rhetorical question that I’m pondering as I write this. Ha! Maybe on some level I’m a sentimentalist after all.
The thing is, I can answer my own question, at least to some degree. Why bother? Because it’s me chasing the dragon. I do like those highs when you are in the “honeymoon phase.” I also like sex and the company of women in general. But those lines that I believe Bukowski wrote give me pause.
3 different women. 3 different backgrounds. 3 different age groups and life experiences. Almost 12 years total of my life. I have the memories from all of them and I cherish them. I’ll cherish them until I die or lose my mind to dementia or Alzheimer’s or some other misfortune. No more contact from any of them, which I’m aware is fully my choice. I don’t like loose ends, drama, and again the question that I ask myself, “What’s the point?” We are not going to get back together either because they don’t want it, or I don’t want it. And even if we did, the relationship wouldn’t be like it was before the breakup. There’s a reason we aren’t together now, and that reason hasn’t changed. It’s the elephant in the room if we were to get back together.
I guess I’m feeling a little bit of melancholy as I write this, thinking about what I’m sure was something that Bukowski said. We get together, share some moments, sometimes for years, then we either drift apart or fall apart, or even detonate. We have our periods of being alone, and then for most of us, we repeat the cycle. Almost like the life we had before never happened in some way. That’s the part that stings. It’s almost like I or they, never were. Other than the memory.